I was assigned to volunteer at the same time as another mom. So I thought, “No matter what happens, at least I will have back up.”

So I was not very happy when I arrived almost on time this morning to find that my fellow mom had stood us up. And then I learn that my volunteering task was to take small groups of children aside, four or five at a time, and read and complete a Scholastic reader with them, then read a book with them, during which time we were to have a “rich discussion” of the content.

I really had to interact with the children – all of the children. No cutting, no gluing, no walking in line. I had to try to talk to them and teach them. Yikes. This was not good.

Let’s face it: even on a good day I can only manage about 50-60 minutes of patience with children. After that comes the yelling and the screaming.

I can’t remember the last time I had a “good day.”

But I knew there was no backing out, so I sat down in one of those tiny little chairs and I ran my discussion group. The reader was called “The Colors I See at the Pumpkin Patch.” And we discussed the hell out of that thing.

We talked about how pumpkins grow on the ground (unlike apples – where do apples grow?), and how vines bring the water and food to the pumpkins (how do people get the things we need to grow?), and why farmers put up scarecrows (are birds as smart as people?), and why the farmer needs a tractor (how many pumpkins do you think are growing in that patch?), and what food we liked the best – pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread or pumpkin seeds (anyone who didn’t say pumpkin pie is just flat out wrong).

It was going so well that by the third group I started to relax and think, “Why was I nervous? I got this.” Complacency – the downfall of many a parent volunteer.

I showed the kids a picture of a beautiful fall landscape, with trees ablaze in reds, yellows and oranges. “How do we know that this picture shows us the fall?” We talked about the leaves changing color, and I described how in summer all the leaves would be green. And then it happened: “And in the winter, all of the leaves fall off the tree. Then the tree is just branches…it is naked.”

Yep, I said “naked” to a group of five year olds. It was like a bomb went off.

I basically had to write that group off. They are probably still giggling now, four hours later.

At least the teacher now knows that, the next time I volunteer, she should just sit me in the corner with some scissors and construction paper.