You don’t bring me flowers

You don’t sing me love songs

You hardly talk to me anymore when I come through the door at the end of the day

Ah, those sweet, sad story songs. Pina Colada song, anyone?

Indeed, the form is designed to give Tate’s kindergarten teacher some insight into Tate. It asks things such as her hobbies, special talents, forms of discipline that have worked, our concerns for her and a host of other thoughtful probing questions.

I spent hours on the form. I pondered my child analytically. I referenced her journals from pre-school. I did an informal survey on FaceBook of people who knew Tate. I grilled Darling Husband while he tried to watch television. Then I did what any good mother in my situation would do; I lied my ass off.

I provided true-enough answers for some questions but I believe the essence of Tate cannot be reduced to a few short lines and if I attempted to do so, her new teacher may fear her, not appreciate her.

Honest answers would have looked something like this:

Hobbies: Harassing her older sister, waking one or both parents at 2 a.m. for pop quizzes about world events, telling everyone she meets that she is a secret ninja, asking her mother multiple times a day if her lip is bleeding.

Special Talents: Performing naked “booty dances” after evening bath, singing “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus at extreme volumes, jumping out at people and causing a coronary by yelling, “I am a secret ninja, fear me.” Can act out all parts of any Disney movie ever seen, with high honors in “The Lion King.”

Career Aspirations: Vegas showgirl and secret ninja.

Interesting Fact: Insists that Pink’s song “So What?” will be her wedding song.

Disciplinary Tactics That Have Proven Effective: n/a

Our Concerns For Her: That she will reach age 80 before sleeping through the night in her own bed and that she will have to be raised by her Aunt Karen after we succumb to exhaustion.

What We Expect From This School Year: Very little boredom.

All in all, its not a bad resume for a five year old girl, come to think of it.