I am a crime show junkie. True crime, fiction, forensic science — bring it on. How can the directionality of a drop of blood point to a murderer? How can someone keep a deadly secret for 20 years and suddenly confess? A few months ago, Tivo suggested a show I hadn’t yet heard of: “Snapped,” true tales of female murderers (and attempted murderers — we can’t all be successful). I am hooked. Sometimes I am horrified (you stabbed your mother to death for money?); sometimes I can almost relate (in the words of Chris Rock: I’m not saying it was right, but I understand). But I am always fascinated.

However, although a few women seem to have put some effort into plotting their crimes, the vast majority leave me thinking, “You really thought you were going to get away with THAT?” So I thought I’d let you in on a few things I’ve learned about crime. (Try humming “Cell Block Tango” to yourself while reading for added enjoyment.)

1. This is by far the most important rule: Never have an accomplice! I don’t care how much you pay them, they are always the ones to break.

2. Hit men are tricky. It is almost always a bad idea to ask your teen daughter if any of her friends would like to earn some extra money by killing your husband. Ditto your barfly friends. And if you must hire a hit man, do not write him a check using his own name, or sign it using your own name, especially if you have sworn to police you’ve never seen that person in your life.

3. Police can tell where cell phone calls are placed. So if you swear you made a call from Texas, but you are really in Arkansas stalking your ex, the police are going to catch on pretty quickly.

4. Speaking of cell phones, if the police want to check something on yours, and you peek in your purse and say, “Oops, left it at home,” make sure you haven’t already given the police your number. They can call it. And hear your purse ring.

5. Keep an eye out for surveillance cameras. This will prevent awkward conversations, like, Police: Were you at work all morning? You: Yes. Police: Well here is surveillance footage from the parking garage showing you at your car. You: I forgot, I went to get a paper I left in the car. Police: Here is more footage of you leaving the garage. You: I remembered I left it at home. Police: Are you having an affair? You: No. Police: Here is footage of you making our with your business partner in a hotel lobby. Etc.

6. Four pythons, drugs and a loaded gun are not good items to pack for the beach. Hanging out with the people who brought said items is not a good idea.

7. No matter how much you love scrapbooking (and Lord knows I do), do not scrapbook pictures of you with the people you kill. Especially if in the pictures they are wearing jewelry you stole from them and are currently wearing. And you’ve already told the police you’ve never seen those people in your life.

8. If you have already decided to commit your crime, try to hide your animosity toward your intended victim. It never looks good when the police start asking questions and EVERYONE points their fingers at you. “Oh yes, she couldn’t stop talking about how much she hated [victim], always threatening to kill [victim].” Leaving voice messages on the victim’s answering machine expressing same does you no favors.

9. When you are cleaning up the crime scene, going to your neighborhood grocery store and buying only blood-stain-removing carpet cleaner and heavy-duty trash bags raises a few red flags. Worse if you use your “bonus card” with all your identifying information. Driving away in a rented Uhaul cements your fate.

10. Finally, if you are a chemist going through a bitter divorce, ordering 18 2-liter bottles of hydrochloric acid and a 55-gallon, acid-resistant drum never looks good.Especially when the police find the drum. Also, you should probably erase those google searches for “acid, animal tissue and digestion.”

I hope you’ve learned something. Now I must get back to the Snapped marathon. Which is on pretty much every day. Seriously, Mike, you have nothing to worry about! Why are you locking me out….?