Have you met my daughter, Keystone Light?

Today I had lunch with a group of mothers from Reid’s preschool class. Our kids were safely corralled behind glass in the Chick-Fil-A play area, tearing around, ripping off each other’s socks and fighting about whether the airplane was “only for boys.” We sat at the table and watched them idly, talking about the stuff moms talk about: soccer, piano lessons, bedtimes, the boundaries for the new elementary school, sibling rivalry issues, how much water to mix in with juice, the new phone App that gives you the wait times for all the rides at Walt Disney World.

Then one mom started telling us about a problem she had recently with her older daughter, a first grader. The girl had a friend over to play, a six-year-old neighbor boy who is the middle son in a family with three boys. (Three boys – always a red flag.) The boy came over to this mom and said that her daughter kept trying to “hump” him. He said, “Can you make her stop? She always wants to hump me.”

The mom was asking what we would have done in that situation. I suggested that, of course, this boy didn’t know what he was saying. I said he’d probably heard the word somewhere and was misusing it. She said, nope, she asked him and he said, “It’s what people who like each other do.” I said, well, he still doesn’t know exactly what he means. She said, nope again, he also told her, “Dogs and cats do it too.”

At this point I agreed that maybe he had an inkling of what he was saying, but I wondered aloud where a six year old would have heard that particular word. She replied, “The parents.” I said that was impossible. “Not with these parents,” she replied. “After all, they named their sons after kinds of beer.”

Yes, the three sons are named Guiness, Foster and Colt. Which is really horrifying, but also kind of impressive. I mean, you have to admire the way they chose a lifestyle and really stuck to it.

It’s also kind of useful. I mean, just hearing those three names, there is a 99% chance I can perfectly describe the father’s hairstyle, sight unseen.