Comments on: Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, damn this is hard http://dinnerwithoutcrayons.com/2009/10/damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont-damn-this-is-hard/ Written by moms who want nothing more than dinner in a restaurant where crayons aren't handed out with the menus. Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:49:14 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Emily http://dinnerwithoutcrayons.com/2009/10/damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont-damn-this-is-hard/comment-page-1/#comment-48 Emily Fri, 09 Oct 2009 11:45:45 +0000 http://dinnerwithoutcrayons.com/2009/10/damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont-damn-this-is-hard/#comment-48 I heard a story recently that helped me change the way I praise my kids. An art teacher told a story about when she was a young child. She had drawn a horse in second grade. Her teacher walked by and said, "That's the best horse I've ever seen!" The teacher continued on her way, not realizing that she just altered that girl's way of thinking. The girl never drew another horse as a child. She figured that she had already drawn the best horse she ever could if the teacher thought it was the best one she had ever seen. Instead, if that teacher had given growth-producing feedback, the girl would have known what was special about the picture and might have drawn others. The teacher could have said, "That horse is awesome. I love the way it looks like it's moving. The muscles are very well drawn." That way, the girl could have used that feedback to create other images as good. So, when I compliment my kids now, I try to pick one thing that is especially awesome. If Kiley wrote something, I tell her the words that she used that were rich. If Alex makes a Lego ship, I pick my favorite part and point it out. Hopefully, this will encourage my kids to continue to take risks and feel good about themselves. It's the general compliments without specific reinforcement that don't really help kids. Of course, I also try to do this with the 250 students I see a week! It's not always easy when you're rushed or not really paying attention to the small details. At least, that is what I believe right now. Maybe when I hear another story, I'll change my mind. Being a parent is like a race where you never feel like you're ahead. I heard a story recently that helped me change the way I praise my kids. An art teacher told a story about when she was a young child. She had drawn a horse in second grade. Her teacher walked by and said, “That’s the best horse I’ve ever seen!” The teacher continued on her way, not realizing that she just altered that girl’s way of thinking. The girl never drew another horse as a child. She figured that she had already drawn the best horse she ever could if the teacher thought it was the best one she had ever seen. Instead, if that teacher had given growth-producing feedback, the girl would have known what was special about the picture and might have drawn others. The teacher could have said, “That horse is awesome. I love the way it looks like it’s moving. The muscles are very well drawn.” That way, the girl could have used that feedback to create other images as good.

So, when I compliment my kids now, I try to pick one thing that is especially awesome. If Kiley wrote something, I tell her the words that she used that were rich. If Alex makes a Lego ship, I pick my favorite part and point it out. Hopefully, this will encourage my kids to continue to take risks and feel good about themselves.

It’s the general compliments without specific reinforcement that don’t really help kids. Of course, I also try to do this with the 250 students I see a week! It’s not always easy when you’re rushed or not really paying attention to the small details.

At least, that is what I believe right now. Maybe when I hear another story, I’ll change my mind. Being a parent is like a race where you never feel like you’re ahead.

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