The Motherlode blog on the New York Times has lit up recently over an article by Alfie Kohn, author of “Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason” and “Punished by Rewards.” The premise is that the disciplinary techniques commonly used by parents today such as time-outs convey to children that they are only loved or lovable when they are compliant. He suggests working with kids rather than doing things to them as a preferred method of problem solving and presumably eliciting good behavior. More on this topic can be found here.
I read this after reading “Nutureshock” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (a book I highly recommend though it left me feeling like a worse Mom than when I started it). It discusses, among other things, the “Inverse Power of Praise” and how certain types of praise can actually make children less inclined to take risks and that labeling a child as smart can lead to under-performance.
At the risk of gross oversimplification, it now appears corporal punishment is bad, (I agree), calling a child names and yelling is bad (I agree), alternative discipline techniques like time-outs or loss of privileges is bad (I agree only because they are completely ineffective on Tate who gives me a “Is that all you got?” look when we go that route) and now praise is bad. If anyone has disproved the power of a Mom’s kiss to make it all better, don’t send me the link as it is the last universal law of parenting to which I cling.
I propose a new definition of parenthood for wiki and Webster’s – having one or more offspring, knowing most of your decisions will be questioned and somehow deemed faulty and desperately, ardently, achingly hoping that said offspring turns out okay regardless.
I heard a story recently that helped me change the way I praise my kids. An art teacher told a story about when she was a young child. She had drawn a horse in second grade. Her teacher walked by and said, “That’s the best horse I’ve ever seen!” The teacher continued on her way, not realizing that she just altered that girl’s way of thinking. The girl never drew another horse as a child. She figured that she had already drawn the best horse she ever could if the teacher thought it was the best one she had ever seen. Instead, if that teacher had given growth-producing feedback, the girl would have known what was special about the picture and might have drawn others. The teacher could have said, “That horse is awesome. I love the way it looks like it’s moving. The muscles are very well drawn.” That way, the girl could have used that feedback to create other images as good.
So, when I compliment my kids now, I try to pick one thing that is especially awesome. If Kiley wrote something, I tell her the words that she used that were rich. If Alex makes a Lego ship, I pick my favorite part and point it out. Hopefully, this will encourage my kids to continue to take risks and feel good about themselves.
It’s the general compliments without specific reinforcement that don’t really help kids. Of course, I also try to do this with the 250 students I see a week! It’s not always easy when you’re rushed or not really paying attention to the small details.
At least, that is what I believe right now. Maybe when I hear another story, I’ll change my mind. Being a parent is like a race where you never feel like you’re ahead.